Second Date

For our second date, we chose adventure. Our theme park passes were stamped as we wound through turnstiles. The Devil’s Dive had just opened and was already making headlines. The engineer boasted of its intestinal underground maze involving a rollercoaster in the form of a mining cart, plunging park goers beneath the earth’s surface further than anyone had ever been. You squeezed my leg when the countdown started. I double checked our lap bars. We’d never understood total darkness until our descent. Our cart plummeted down a hole seven feet in diameter as we passed colonies of prairie dogs, layers upon layers of rock, dinosaur bones, a few hundred feet of Tartaria, and rivers of oil. All my life I didn’t realize how much went on underneath me while driving to work, partying, and going axe throwing with my league buddies. We’d gone about as far as Hades’ colon when we came to a sudden stop. A crackling out-of-signal voice from the speaker under our seats went “uh-oh”. We were down there for hours. We couldn’t even see each other’s faces. You asked about your cat and what would happen to him. I said they’d have things running in no time. But we stayed. We celebrated birthdays, Halloweens, Christmases and Hanukkahs even though we weren’t Jewish, we’d do anything to keep our spirits up. We professed our love for one another, but were unable to consummate our union since we were both still restrained by lap bars. It wasn’t until waking from our ten-thousandth nap that we saw the miner’s lamp. He said it was a good thing we’d stayed down there for 40 years because there wasn’t anything left on the surface. “What happened?” We asked. “Let’s just say it’s so bad the survivors are coming down,” he said. Soon we heard children, teenagers, adults, and the groans of those who were our age inside the tunnel. You didn’t know what else to say except “Welcome to our home.” After a few days people began asking if there was anything to do, if there was a Chili’s, or someplace they could get a bite to eat. Others needed to make a Walmart run. By then we no longer had eyes, only heightened senses of touch, hearing, and telepathic abilities. I said if they went a little further they’d hit earth’s inner core, so dress light, it was around 10,000 degrees Fahrenheit there. One hunter said he’d left his gun behind but brought dynamite. Everyone said they were bored, and voted to blast their way further. You said you didn’t want to live like this anymore and took my hand. You read my thoughts first, unlocking a memory from when I was a kid playing capture the flag in an open bluebonnet field. I read yours and saw something that hadn’t happened yet. Our dream home. I’d just come home from the job I would’ve gotten, you were painting a still life piece for the art class you were acing. An un-housebroken puppy was shooting its best shot over the daily news. Before plopping down in the La-Z-Boy, I hit the button on the electric can opener. The cat that’d never missed a meal in its life woke up, taking a good stretch, and rolled off his cat tree, snowballing toward me in the kitchen.

New Model

She showed up at the family reunion with her new husband, a 36” wide stainless steel GE fridge. I liked her old one, the ‘59 Mamie Eisenhower Pink Frigidaire with the silver crowned emblem. She showed off all his new bells and whistles, the various compartments, the hands-free AutoFill water dispenser; there was even a voice control system via Google/Alexa. I still liked the old one better, he was built solid, and had a special place to store beer. I thought I’d give this new one a chance, at least see how he did with a few Budweisers and a jar of mayonnaise inside him.
I gave her a hug the day she left, saying I hope it worked out. “He keeps things cold,” she said. “At the end of the day isn’t that all that matters?” I unplugged him and put him in the back of a truck, forgetting to tie him down. Already she was having to keep him from tipping over as everything inside rattled around on the long bumpy driveway, his French doors flinging wide open to her.