You don’t get to understand how it works, Brother. You just know what to do to make it & it’s a different recipe every time.

Sometimes you try to impose an idea on the process or try to contribute in some way but you forget yourself. It’s not your job to help it’s your job to obey. They may call you an artist but you are not. You execute commands, Brother.

Whatever the condition might be called or the name of the occupation all I know is that if you focus so hard you’re not focusing you will feel the best you’ve felt all day & it will feel good after. But the memory of it (after 24 hours) will fade & you will want to pluck a fresh one like fruit.

Your works are for the Brotherhood not a ghastly art gallery who are within an empire as evil as health insurance. Selling your memories like dropping a baby in a whorehouse. But enough about my childhood.

I’m being overdramatic. But I do think there is something bullshit adjacent & lustful in nature to making something you want to see that you created in your head. An appetite. Therefore never satisfied. Only sustained.

One moment, Brother.

I hear the brakes of a school bus squeak outside.

How is she already home? This keeps happening. It’s not that I don’t want to see her & be with her, Brother, but whenever I am on the cusp of total relaxation I am always pulled away. Might as well slap me in the face as I’m falling asleep. I don’t like surprises.

Unless they’re Abraham’s goat style surprises. Or was it a ram?

Hey Jim, the little girl says.

I say hey violet.

We don’t make direct eye contact. Her blurry shape throws her backpack down then goes upstairs to her bedroom. I sit silently & listen to the squeaking joints above my head.

Took two years to get her to stop calling me daddy.

Also. I don’t know who her parents are or whose house this is. Like she legitimately thought I was her biological father.

I don’t know                            whatthefuckis the ribbon doing?

I shouldn’t be oversharing like this, Brother. But you really put me on edge when you requested information on the chemical interactions in the brain once the medicine is ingested. As if we were guilty of something horrible.

& now you’ve distracted & I’ve forgotten to take my medicine.

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Oh Brother. This is much better.

This is my house so I’m told. The name Jim came from out of nowhere. Suddenly I was hearing the word Jim being said at me so much. Then one day I was told to write something on a blank line next to the word “name”. So I looked at the alphabet & created Jim.

All I know is when I see something I wanted to see on canvas.

Then I know it’s time for work. Imagine an alarm clock that felt like an orgasm. I’m chasing that feeling & doing the basics to make sure this kid don’t die on me.

& outside of that I’m trying stuff until I can figure out the way to figure out the way it works while I wait for one of her real parents to come get her.

Something about a masterpiece seems like the only pursuit worthy of my time & skill level.

The lie is you can achieve this & permanently satisfy your appetite.

Buy this lie & it will destroy you. 

You cannot live on bread alone.

That’s why you take the medicine. That’s how it works.