AFTER AN INTENSE GAME OF FU*K MARRY KILL WE COME TO THE CONCLUSION THAT KEVIN FROM THE OFFICE WOULD BE AN AMAZING LOVER

of course

how could anyone pass up on this lovable teddy bear

especially since he would probably make ya a bowl of his

famous chili in the morning

while ya wait for the uber to arrive—

a real gentlemanly act, you say

which is rare these days.

lately though i can’t stop thinking about what being in a thruple with kevin from the office would be like: probably not as good or as steamy as  it seems in my head

since i have this irrational fear that you’ll end up loving him more than me

running away together during the middle of the night,

not even leaving a goodbye note on my pillow behind.

honestly i know this sounds stupid

and i know that

statistically speaking

it’ll probably never happen

but dammit

why would everything be easier if it actually did?

please don’t take this the wrong way.

i’m just thinking out loud,

that’s all. i promise.

 

I PAID FOR ONE OF THOSE FANCY BOB’S BURGERS STYLE COUPLE PORTRAITS THAT I SAW ON A FACEBOOK AD AND IT DIDN’T IMPROVE OUR LOVE LIFE AT ALL

you know the portrait i’m talking about

the one where they draw you like you’re straight outta the show

where no one would blink or think twice if you were actually a background character.

when i paid the outrageous $99.98+tax & expidited shipping fee for the stupid picture

i thought for sure

that this would rekindle the love that we once had

but when it arrived

it was met with an unenthusiastic

lol that’s stupid

i hate that show

and we still haven’t framed it.

the worst part is i got the matching mouse pad.

how embarrassing.