days

my boyfriend doesn’t want to hang out today so that makes me less of a person. the problem’s less that i’m running out of daytime and more that i have too much. my east-facing windows let in daylight like a thief. i burn the tops of my legs before midday. i take a holiday just to get all my work done. some days my clothes are too big but most of the time they are just too small. these days i am tired all the time even though i barely move. everyone says to take it day by day but i just can’t take it! all the food i got on tuesday is gone by friday. i shave the sides of my head and think, didn’t i just do this yesterday? i pay an extra ten dollars for wifi that most days doesn’t work. the one good thing about this apartment is i can scream real loud at the end of the day and no one will try to comfort me. i want every day to answer the question of my meaning. i want to go to bed at seven just to be done with this day.

 

anxiety daydream

if i wait too long in my car garage in the alleyway a man

will rush inside and put his hand over my mouth and trap

me there and if a man walks through the alley and sees

me taking too long to figure out the combination code

in the dark he will rush over and put his hand over my

mouth and drag me somewhere and i will have forgotten

how to scream

 

there is a man licking car door handles and i catch it and

i get my mom sick and i kill my mom and i kill my dad i kill

both my parents i kill my boyfriend’s parents

 

my boyfriend and i break up and i am stuck in my studio

apartment irreparably alone and i never touch anyone

ever again and i never stop crying

 

when i take out the trash and recycling there is a man

waiting inside the dumpster and when i lift the lid he yells

and scares me he doesn’t jump out or touch me or hurt

me in any way but he scares me and my heart will never

forget it

 

there is a man in my studio apartment and even though my

eyes are closed and i am lying in bed i know he’s there he’s

standing in the doorway or hiding in the bathtub and now

i need to get up and turn on the lights to scare him away

 

all my teeth fall out of my mouth for many many nights all

of my teeth fall out over and over again they spill out

and stutter down my chest and i keep trying to fix it—

 

 

Lord/ erase this knowledge from my brain, make me/ stupid make me/ happy make me/ unselfconscious as a man, deliver me/ not into the psych ward but deliver/ SSRIs unto me,/ make me/ middle-aged and too/ invested in this world to/ even think about leaving it, Lord;/ give me today/ my daily reason to get out of bed,/ hallowed be my bed,/ hollowed be my body,/ Lord,/ your men came,/ their will done on my body as it was on/ my body, LORD,/ rescue me from my own body,/ bless me with a binder and a/ broken scale so that/ the pharmacists no longer/ know me by name,/ forgive me Lord,/ i’ve been good;/ i’ve been eating three meals a day, haven’t/ slept with a white boy since/ 2017, Lord,/ i don’t even/ steal from work any more, i tried/ Whole 30, Lord,/ judge me not for my/ secondary emotions but for my/ judgement of my secondary emotions, Lord,/ I deserve to be judged, I deserve/ to be punished, help me/ transcend myself, help me/ be better,/ help me be free from pain, and/ obsessive ideation, Lord,/ this I ask of you/ in my time of need,/ I ask for redemption,/ I ask for self-compassion,/ I ask for/ a better chiropractor and a/ cheaper co-pay, Lord,/ LORD,/ why have you/ forsaken me? left me to pay rent in this/ gray and lonely city?/ spare me, Lord./ shine your/ light therapy lamp on/ my sadness./ help me to remember/ this season of grief will soon be/ over. help me forget/ another season/ may soon begin. Lord, save me from the/ siren song of/ the freeway overpass,/ of the vaulted bridge,/ of the cars driving the other way on the road. Lord/ make me happy,/ make me/ happy,/ make me happy,/ make me/ happy.