There’s an improv game called “5 Things” where someone prompts you with a category. Then you list five things.

 

FIVE NEW SOUPS:

1. Chicken tortellini
2. Cut-up-hot-dog
3. Bacon, lettuce, tomato
4. Ants-on-a-log
5. Biohazard

 

“Five Things” is a warmup exercise — the catalogued items aren’t supposed to be good. The goal’s to speak quickly and without thinking, to remind yourself you’re full of thoughts.

 

FIVE BAD SUPERHERO IDEAS:

1. The Ornithologist
2. The Top Hatter
3. The Pneumoniac
4. The Hollow Boned Skeleton
5. Man Dog, the Dog who is Half-Man

 

In improv, wit can be a curse. Sometimes you get so caught up in trying to say the perfect thing that you forget to listen. If you don’t listen well, you can’t respond well. 

 

FIVE FEARS YOU HAVE OVERCOME:

1. Mormon god striking me down
2. My childhood dog dying (already happened)
3. Myself dying (grew out of it)
4. Sex, (mostly, though I sometimes still worry about mormon god striking me down)
5. Dementors

 

Your best line is often the one that catches you a little off-guard as it leaves your mouth. I forgot that I was scared of dementors once — I used to stay up all night with my eyes open, resisting sleep until I blurred into half-awake dreams, then I’d imagine dementors crawling into the room, and I’d be frozen still as they sucked the soul right out from me.

 

FIVE UNHEALTHY MEASUREMENTS YOU DEFINE YOURSELF BY:

1. Strangers liking my tweets
2. Online literary magazine acceptances
3. Reciprocated Hinge likes
4. Reactions to my Jerry Seinfeld impression
5. The number of texts waiting for me after waking up from a nap

 

Folks often think improv is all about having funny ideas, but it’s more about committing to honest reaction in the face of heightening absurdity. The more I do it, the more I realize I have rarely reacted honestly. Through improv, I’ve learned that when someone attacks me, I often become apologetic, even when wronged. When someone pauses, I always try to fill the gap. I make puns when cornered. I try to fix problems instead of understanding them.

 

FIVE REASONS YOU MOVED 1,400 MILES AWAY FROM HOME AND STARTED DOING IMPROV COMEDY:

1. I was scared
2. I was scared
3. Dementors back home
4. I was scared
5. I was scared