I heard he’s got a second family in Walvernshire, you know, where he’s always going “for work?” I heard he caught her with the Slammigram kid from down the street who grew a foot overnight. I heard she’s trying to get him to take full custody of Berek and Jarny in exchange for no alimony, but he keeps countering with more and more child support for less and less visitation. I heard they abandoned that sharpoodle of theirs at the groomer’s and it’s out there terrorizing unsuspecting townspeople even now. I heard the mayor told them the best thing for it is to cut their Land Grover in half. I heard they shit with the door open. I heard he ruptured her ear drum snoring one night. I heard she steals the covers and whines in her sleep. I heard he puts his elbows on the table. I heard she chews with her mouth open. I heard they couldn’t agree on the best way to pack the dishwasher. I heard they took all their meals in front of the TV. I heard he’s balding. I heard the Oil of Okay eye cream has stopped smoothing out her crow’s feet. I heard they could go weeks never saying more than “oop” and “it’s your turn to wash the cat.” I heard they stopped holding hands.