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Goofus doesn’t wash his hands before supper. Goofus also doesn’t wash his hands before supper.

Goofus answers the phone by saying, “Whaddya want?” Goofus answers the phone by saying, “Yeah?”

Goofus represses his strange feeling that something has gone terribly wrong with the world, that the universe is dangerously out of balance, that something or someone is missing. Goofus has similar unsettling thoughts and drowns them out by banging on pots and pans while his mother is trying to read.

Goofus no longer takes the same joy he once did in petty acts of rule-breaking and rudeness and he doesn’t know why. Goofus bosses his classmates around, but his heart isn’t in it and everyone can tell.

Goofus dog-ears the pages and writes in the margins of the library’s philosophy books. Goofus makes fun of the librarian for wearing glasses.

Goofus interrupts a college professor’s lecture on Manichaeism. Goofus drinks milkshakes at the malt shop until he gets a stomachache.

Goofus explains to Goofus that disobedience and misbehavior, so central to their identity, only have meaning in opposition to a contrasting ideology, and that all their actions feel hollow because there exists no counterexample, no opposite, no antithesis, whatever or whoever that would be. Goofus tells Goofus to shut up.

Goofus punches Goofus. Goofus pulls Goofus’s hair.

Goofus says he can’t believe he’s only realizing it now, but it doesn’t make sense for there to be two of him, and he accuses Goofus of being his doppelganger, an imposter, a counterfeit Goofus. Goofus insists that he, not Goofus, is the real Goofus.

Goofus chases Goofus to the top of the tallest building in town. Goofus grapples with Goofus and corners him on a ledge high above the street.

Goofus says this is an absurd, fallen world, a world in which there is only naughtiness and shenanigans, and in which there can only ever be naughtiness and shenanigans. Goofus looks down at the town and sees a police officer horsing around with a fireman, a schoolteacher taking the last cupcake and throwing the wrapper on the ground even though there’s a trash can right there, two old ladies running with scissors.

Goofus takes advantage of Goofus’s lapse in concentration and shoves past him without saying excuse me. Goofus loses his balance and plummets to his death.

Goofus walks home in the rain and gets his clothes all wet.

Goofus tracks mud all over the carpet and it brings him no joy.

Goofus stays in bed when it’s time to get up.