She brought the fainting goats. I brought the cursing ferrets. Neither of us thought to bring permits, insurance, or a sound business plan that extended beyond next week. We called our cafe Feel Things Fast. It sounded poetic and a little unhinged, like my girlfriend. People walked in expecting to pet their anxiety. Most left emotionally compromised by a leghorn chicken named Deborah who stared too long, like she could see into their souls. My girlfriend gave all the rabbits tiny hats—berets, mostly. I trained the spotted iguana to hiss at anyone who asked dumb questions like, “Is this even legal?” or “Why is there a llama in the freezer aisle?” Our neighbor Jeremy DJ’ed from the former pharmacy counter. He only played Fleetwood Mac remixes and one haunted loop of whale sounds. Word soon got out that we were up to something. A federal agent drove four hours and ended up spooning a capybara named Mildred. Some prosecutors tried to do a photo shoot with the unionized pigeons. Eventually, the cops showed up. One of them adopted two ducklings named Rhythm and Blues, and the other just sat in a beanbag chair, petting a bipolar pig and crying mutely. In under a month, we made $83, some lifelong memories, and a TikTok that went semi-viral with the caption “MENTAL HEALTH BUT KEEP IT FERAL.” Soon after, we broke up and had to close up shop. But the animals stayed together in the end. I want to believe they lived happily ever after. Some nights I still think about Deborah, how she never blinked. I wonder if she misses us, too.
