BAKED ALASKA
My Inuit name is Baked Alaska. My Russian name is Traktor Dazdraperma. I can never tell anyone about what happened in Anchorage, Alaska, one hot August night.
LAST NIGHT
Last night I ordered a whole meal in Chinese. Even the waiter was amazed. I was in a French restaurant.
TAO LIN
Tao Lin and I were booked for a reading at Issue Project Room in Brooklyn. Tao never showed up—he’d been arrested the night of the reading for shoplifting from American Apparel. That must have been around 2009 and became the title of Tao’s novella, Shoplifting From American Apparel.
THE ANATOMY OF MELANCHOLY
When I’m depressed I usually start drinking, which is what the whole country does. Of course drinking is a two-edged sword. It can lead to great sadness. Combine that sadness with the naturally depressed state of everyday living here and you’ll want to lie down on a railroad track.
MAYBERRY
Opie,
Got your letter. Meet in make-out woods after school.
Aunt Bee
PS: Bring wine
HULK HOGAN
I partnered with Hulk Hogan for a while, until I realized he was using up all my gasoline, liquor, dynamite, and toilet paper. Eventually I started to realize that there is an upside to being alone in the world. No, wait, hear me out. There is.
PRO WRESTLING
I asked Dad if he thought pro wrestling was real. He didn’t answer for a while. I could hear coyotes howling off in the distance (balcony). They would be getting close soon. Somewhere a desert owl announced his loneliness with a mournful hoot (mezzanine). Wrestling is a cold mistress.
THE NEW GOD BLESS AMERICA
Jim Nabors and I once performed a duet while standing on a ladder (The Impossible Dream). I almost hesitate to share it with you because I just know it will get ripped off and then IT will become the new God Bless America and I won’t see a dime. Not that I’m in it for money, but you know.
FOUNTAIN
I lie down when I pee.
OCTOBER
I almost rolled the rock up the hill, only to watch it roll back down every time it neared the top. I guess it’d be pretty funny if it’d been happening to someone else. Some other slob. I guess it was funny. I’d have to watch somebody else do it and see if I laugh. I probably would.
