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We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.

We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty. A representative is waiting to speak with you now.

We’ve been trying to reach you about what happened and we know you’re really going through it right now and we’d like to lend our support.

We’ve been trying to reach you because we know you stay up late scrolling through his Instagram and he has a new girlfriend who is a gymnast with glowy skin and she cooks for him 
chicken piccata!
and you wish someone would cook for you and we would like to remind you that he never would.

We’ve been trying to reach you because hey, listen, you need to leave the house. We’ve found you a therapist with five stars on Yelp who takes your insurance. Her couch is cozy and the prettiest shade of periwinkle and you can look out the window when you talk to her and right outside of it is a cherry tree with a bird’s nest. This therapist has kind, brown eyes that will remind you of your eighth-grade English teacher and how much she liked your vampire teen series fanfiction and you will feel safe and warm and doze for just a minute on the periwinkle couch and she’ll let you because she knows you need it. She’s a ten-minute train ride and seven-minute walk away, and on the corner, you can stop into that one coffee shop with the croissants covered in the sticky glaze that you love so much.


We’ve been trying to reach you because we were alerted that your finger slipped over your phone screen – so damp from your tears, so greasy from your unwashed hair – and you liked the photo of Him and Claire, the one where they’re walking down the beach and her head is on his shoulder, her long blonde hair falling down his chest and he’s carrying her shoes so that she can walk easier in the sand and you think they probably ate shrimp scampi with linguine and drank pinot grigio and there were candles and shortly after someone - who? - took the photo they fucked and it was good - it was good for you too, in the beginning - because she commented “pink heart with arrow through it emoji My Man” and you liked it and un-liked it so fucking fast but you know he knows and she probably knows too and if we could erase that notification for you we would, we really would.

We’ve been trying to – hey, ok, so we’re sad that you haven’t gone to see that therapist and we understand how hard it is to start making these changes but we’re concerned about those late night Google searches and even though we think you’re so, so smart we’re worried that your (27 F) ability to dismember a corpse (28 M) may be seriously hindered by communal living and the fact that the plumbing in your building was last updated in 1954 with iron piping and while popular tv shows espouse the benefit of using hydrofluoric acid,  it will, in fact, eat through your plumbing bringing attention to your late-night endeavors.

Hey girl. So, clearly, this is the way you’ve decided to handle this and as we are truly here to help, please know that he leaves the gym at 2:30 pm on Wednesdays and parks at the NE corner of Fremont and 78th behind the building as to keep his 2006 Camaro safe from being dinged by the van doors of the moms and tots leaving Baby Playland. This corner has no cameras and he is not expected to be at his mom’s house for dinner – lasagna with meat sauce – until 7pm. A surprise is best in these situations. The gourmet food store on Sandy and 17th has a fresh shipment of fine Italian knives with bamboo handles for a reasonable price. Cash only. The clerk, Shaina, will understand.

Driving time from your location to San Esteban, Mexico is 42 hours (2,476 mi). The temperature currently is 85 degrees and sunny. The wind is blowing in from the southeast at 10 mph. We’ve called ahead and booked a room (305) at the Hyatt overlooking the pool. The sheets are washed daily in a hypoallergenic detergent that you should find suitable. In the bar, we recommend the strawberry daiquiris and ceviche. 

Can’t wait to see you.

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