Today, in Minecraft, I made a pool for my axolotls—so many axolotls, they’re sooo cute—and fed them tropical fish, which I can tell they really liked, because of all the little hearts on screen, but all you people could talk about was a measles outbreak in Texas. I don’t know what measles is, and I’m pretty sure we don’t even live in Texas. You didn’t pay much attention when I tried to show you my “Where I Live” geography project last week, so honestly, who knows. You kept staring at your phones and shaking your heads and muttering to each other about “coequal branches of government” and how we’re stuck in a “constitutional hellscape.” I’m not sure what terrain that is, I don’t think I’ve gotten to that level yet.
Today, in Minecraft, I made a boat and sailed off and found another island with really cool craggy mountains and underground lakes and a whole village full of cats and llama traders. It was so easy, and I got there so fast! You said something about “refugee resettlement programs” and the ephemeral magic of childhood, and then left the room.
Today, in Minecraft, I tamed a wolf in the forest by giving it a bone and now it’s wearing a collar and will sit when I tell it to and follow me around. Isn’t that amazing? It’s literally amazing, but all you fuckers could talk about was how many park rangers got fired today, and whether the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service is next, and how our spring break road trip to the Redwoods is going to have to be reconsidered.
Today, in Minecraft, I fought some monsters that I spawned. You only let me play in creative mode, since I’m “too little” for survival mode, but I can always spawn some bad guys if I want to practice fighting them. When I told you this, you started to cry. Which was honestly a pretty weird reaction, and made me very uncomfortable, so I haven’t brought it up again.
Today, in Minecraft, I put glowstone all over the village so the people could see at night.
Today, in Minecraft, I basically invented agriculture by planting wheat seeds and sprinkling them with bonemeal made from the skeletons of my enemies (I did spawn some bad guys after all, sorry). Everything grew really nicely, and then I built a fire and figured out how to make bread, which you said was a clever touch on the part of the game designers.
Today, in Minecraft, I sheared a sheep and then turned the wool into a bed and planted sugarcane and turned it into paper and then I traded with the llama guys and got some pink tulips for my garden. You watched, in between making calls to your senators.
Today, in Minecraft, I made myself a really nice little house and figured out how to make a table to go next to the bed and then I planted the tulips outside and got some bees to come visit them and the bees loved it (hearts again), and I honestly haven’t seen you watch something I’ve worked on this closely since you taught me to ride a bike last fall.
You say that tomorrow, in Minecraft, you’d like to play, too. You say you want the practice for when the “wheels come off this bitch and we’re back to square one,” and I’m not really sure what wheels you’re talking about, since Minecraft is sort of famously rectilinear, but yeah, okay, you can play with me.
