- The University is pleased to announce that poetry will not count in the inaugural Writing Studies Department. While the department will recognize the groundbreaking work of faculty in the areas of science writing, recipe writing, songwriting, podcasts, and geometric proofs, those engaged in the making of original poems will not add any value. To clarify, the nationally recognized poet has no place in a department dedicated to the unique production of texts.
- The nationally recognized poet will not be eligible for promotion in the inaugural Writing Studies Department either, but those engaged in the rigorous study of her work most certainly will.
- The nationally recognized poet has a nationally recognized maltipoo named Muffy, who is much beloved on Twitter and accumulates over 50,000 likes with each tweet. As it turns out, Muffy is the nationally recognized poet’s best marketing tool.
- The nationally recognized poet is quite popular in her own right and often invited to give readings in person and over Zoom. On occasion, a reading may be canceled due to low registration, to which the nationally recognized poet’s mother responds via text: Great news, dear! I had yard work to attend to!
- The nationally recognized poet also has a resourceful younger brother and a beautiful baby niece. In the afternoons, Come read baby Lulu a poem! says the brother. It’s nap time, and I’m having trouble getting her down! And later, while passing a draft of a new poem across the dinner table to her husband: Oh no, darling! exclaims Grover. It’s only 6 o’clock!
- The nationally recognized poet cashed in big with her fifteenth poetry collection, All Hail, Dorothy: The Nationally Recognized Poet is Dead, which won the Pulitzer Prize, Kingsley Tufts Award, and was a National Book Award Finalist. In its twenty-ninth print run, the nationally recognized poet can now use her royalties to splurge on a yearly pass to Disney World as well as extra fudge topping on any fancy restaurant dessert.
- The nationally recognized poet boasts a 5.0 rating on RateMyProfessor.com with over 100 reviews, but this does not make the nationally recognized poet any more worthy in the eyes of the University or her peers. In fact, she is asked to pay $1000 each semester for a University parking pass, despite teaching there only 75 minutes twice a week!
- No one says it better than the nationally recognized poet, which means she is asked too often and, of course, for free to pen eulogies, grocery lists, important emails, and love poems for the wedding ceremonies of her family and friends, sometimes even of strangers. Which is to say, the nationally recognized poet is the new candy striper and has emotional reserves for days.
- The nationally recognized poet’s mother means well and works tirelessly to index each of her daughter’s poetry collections at the Venice Golf & Country Club’s modest library and to circulate copies of each at her annual summer garage sale. Free books! reads the hand drawn sign placed crookedly upon the front lawn.
- The nationally recognized poet cannot help but see the glass spilling over—and in a late hour, turning towards the bedside lamp, Goodnight, Muffy, says the nationally recognized poet. Goodnight, Grover. Things are sure to get better tomorrow.