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I keep doing the I Hate Women joke for The Men

It goes: A male friend says something sexist

Then I go: Oh did you say that because you hate women


But don’t worry I’m not offended I also

Hate women


I keep having dreams where I have a penis

Someone has drawn little hearts on its head with a pen

I try to rub them off

Then notice two men standing nearby

I am scared they have seen my penis


I am scared at hockey practice

I need to be fitted for a cup

I see an old man and think he is going to rape me

My current cup already has a plastic penis in it

Which is a problem

Because I have my own penis


Jack tells me the dream must be about penis envy

I look this up and apparently it’s when female

Children realize they don’t have a penis


A friend tells me about her two brothers

Who keep doing this bit where one of them puts his hand

On his chin and makes a thinking face

And the other one says bro you’re not even the thinker

And he responds bro you don’t get it

I am the thinker


At an event for my old corporate job

I tell everyone I’m a professor at NYU

A woman comes up to me and my old boss and my old boss is like

Didn’t you just have a baby


A man who makes millions a year

Says his friend just left to work at NYU as The Head of Strategy

I am Very Strategic as well

I love to show up to the Bryant Park Grill

And feel so proximal to power


In video games when you kill someone

You can tea bag their dead body

Alex explains it’s when your avatar

Crouches up and down on the dead avatar

Dipping your balls like a tea bag


I call Noah before bed and he says you better sleep before you get

Too slaphappy

Which I thought meant so happy I could

Slap you but actually means

Dazed or stupefied by a series of blows to the head thereby

Sustaining permanent cognitive injury


Eli says John Wick bothered him because of the easy

Killing pure masculine fantasy

I say totally

It was totally disturbing

Like a video game

Though really I love John Wick and don’t have anything critical to say


I told Noah and Jack I thought the female protagonist

In The Worst Person in the World

Was a man

Who treated her two male lovers

As women

That’s why men identify with her character


Also it bothered me that she has a miscarriage

The male writer-director couldn’t let her make a single choice

I say I wish she had an abortion

A man sitting with his son a bit further down the train is looking at me

I get the sense he has also seen The Worst Person in the World


I tell Noah I don’t like the movie because she has no friends

He says I don’t think it is about friends

I say it doesn’t have to be “about friends”

It’s just highly unrealistic she wouldn’t have any


Jack tells me I’m just like Lindsay

In Freaks and Geeks on the outs with the toxic boys

Then on the in and loving it

Then remembering the outs


Eli says he forgot how good Ocean’s 13 was

He’s only watching Al Pacino movies in April

I tell him never to watch Ocean’s 9

Remakes with women are never funny

He says they should remake Goodfellas with women

Call it Goodwomen