ARIES

You are up to your lungs in water, and it is still rising. Buy yourself a life jacket. And if you can’t swim yet, you should join the YMCA, ASAP. #ad

Lucky numbers: 8, 17, anything divisible by 42

 

TAURUS

They say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, but you are getting too strong. They’re coming for you. If they don’t kill you this time, then maybe they never will.

Lucky numbers: You don’t need luck. You need an axe.

 

GEMINI

Fortune favors the brave, but you favor the fuckups, and at the end of the day, who’s approval matters more: some made up concept like fortune, or you? Watch out for bats today – they will seem kind, but only serve to misguide you.

Lucky Numbers: 2, 4, 6, 8

 

CANCER

Your tongue is heavy, and your lover’s kiss tastes like salt water poured onto a canker sore. Do you feel uneasy today? It is because he will abandon you tonight. Your bones know what your heart tried to forget: leaving was always inevitable with him. He will take half of everything – even the plates, leaving your formerly matching set always unfinished and worthless.

He leaves only a note full of memories that you do not have. Later, you will realize that he meant to leave his other family, and his note is referencing places he went and things he did with them. You tell the wind that you forgive him for this, if only he would come back home. The wind does not care.

You will never see him again, but be warned: right before you die, you will catch his scent – the smell of an almost finished wood fire. You will remember the early days of your great romance: the way he walked down to the river to fish, one foot turned in; when he would cook dinner, how carefully he would peel the shrimp back; the way he made you feel small in his arms late at night, when the rain would knock against your windows.

 You will enter the other side feeling more lonely then you have ever felt before. Please, don’t cry.

Lucky numbers: none

 

LEO

You should play the lottery today!

Lucky numbers: 35, 36, 47, 61, 63 (in that order)

 

VIRGO

Like all delicate things, you are only made the break.

 So do it already. Shatter into a thousand small pieces, fall apart, make a production of your pain. The river will be waiting when you are ready – have you heard the water is still rising?

Lucky numbers: 6, 9

 

LIBRA

You know what you did. Good for you.

Lucky numbers: prime numbers only, because you deserve it.

 

SCORPIO

Surprise! The scorpions under your bed have unionized.

Give them a four-day work week or beware.

Lucky numbers: 0, 100,000

 

SAGITARRIUS

Don’t be offended when no one speaks to you today. You are a being too great, too awe-inspiringly powerful for them – plus, you smell like the salmon still. Yes, still. Can you blame everyone for staying a few feet back? Go to a doctor or something.

Lucky numbers: 22, pi

 

CAPRICORN

You’ve heard about the river, right? Of course you have. You’re the lifeguard! You know everything about the river – it’s plans, it’s secrets, the way its mouth is always hungry for more. Tributaries. Tributes. What will yours be? You have a plan, right? How will you save everyone? What will you feed it?

Lucky numbers: infinity

 

AQUARIUS

Bad day for you! Go back to bed. Stay there. If you hear a loved one’s voice at the door, pretend you aren’t home. If you hear the doorknob jiggle, hide under the bed. If you start to smell sulfur, play dead. Not all are those they claim to be.

Lucky numbers: 22, 97, 64

 

PISCES

You will leave your lover tonight, but the wrong one. Leave a note and head to the desert, where rivers are just myths and oceans a fantasy.

Try to forget what sins you learned of here at the delta. You’ll be better for it.

Lucky numbers: 1/2 of everything, even the dishes.