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November 15, 2022

How to Be a Mommy

Kennedy Coyne

Make him call you Mommy. Respond with goo-goo-ga-ga. Ask him to serve you sausage for breakfast, the real kind, not his fingers. When he offers the plate, grab his hand, stick it in your mouth. When he says ow, you say nom nom nom! Wait for him to say thank you. Take two bites then discard the rest.

Make him call you Mommy. Tell him the sausage was a little dry. When he apologizes, walk away. Wait for him to follow you. When he does, go stand in the corner. Face the wall. Say goo-goo-ga-ga and flail your arms. When he puts his hands on you, threaten to cut off his dick and feed it to him. When he says ow, you say nom nom nom! Wait for him to unzip his pants then tell him to do the dishes.

When he says, Mommy, I’m finished, tell him the dishes still smell like sausage. Wait for his hands to prune. Make him show you his fingers. Peel off the bits of skin that don’t want to be there. Tell him to open his mouth. Place the bits on his tongue like Eucharist. Wait for him to swallow. When he says nom nom nom, you say goo-goo-ga-ga.

When he asks Mommy what she wants, ask him what he thinks she wants. Consider what he says, then say something different. Make him feel like he doesn’t know you. Tell him you want chicken cordon bleu. Wait for him to make it. You do not watch. When he offers the meal, let him watch you take the first bite. When you say, nom nom nom, he says goo-goo-ga-ga. Lap up the leftover cheese goop. Stick a finger in a puddle and tell him to open his mouth. Let him suck your thumb.

Tell him Mommy’s tired. Then tell him to call you Daddy.


After the sausage, you stand in the corner. You scream goo-goo-ga-ga and he follows. He puts a hand on your back. He says shhh. He knows you do not like to be shushed. You threaten to cut his dick off. He says ow. You really threaten to cut his dick off. He unzips his pants. You have brought your kitchen knife with you. You wait for him to pull them down. You tell him to look away. You tickle his no-nos. Goo-goo-ga-ga, you scream again. Your arm raises then falls, cuts into him. When he screams ow, you do it again. When you tell him to clean up the floor, he doesn’t respond. He doesn’t respond, so you have to make dinner yourself. You pet his head. Oh, Daddy.