It’s not that I don’t want my marriage. It’s that I want things that my marriage doesn’t allow me to have.
Am I choosing comfort over freedom?
I want an IUD. I want an MFA. I want more and more and more tattoos. I want a studio apartment and a house plant I don’t kill. I want to be flung into something completely new and solitary.
I make lists of all the things
I’ll buy for myself
I backspace every time
‘boobs’ autocorrects to ‘books’
like I want to change my life.
I put myself in their (your) shoes
to know how they (you) see me.
They (you) could be anybody.
Sometimes I dream I’m reduced to something simple:
a summer vacation spent lifeguarding at the city pool
making coffee at a kitschy shop in the city
It’ll heal ugly, but most things do.
You can have it all, just not all at once.