3.141592653589793238462643383279

3: There are three letters in “pie,” which is a homophone for “pi.”

1: The “first” decimal place.

4: This is the second decimal place; if you multiply the second of anything by the thing it is (i.e. second, that is, 2), you get 4.

1: After 4 o’clock (4) you can have 1 drink, because it’s 5 o’clock somewhere, as our mother always said.

5: See? Now it’s 5 o’clock. Drink up, asshole!

9: Remember when we mentioned 4 o’clock? And then 5 o’clock? So add them, jerk face!

2: Is this mnemonic getting “two” abusive? No, sweetheart, it’s just the alcohol talking.

6: Six-packs hidden in the dishwasher again…

5: This decimal place comes one after 6, except we’re going to stumble one backwards, not because of the drinking but because Mommy is just really tired.

35: Speaking of backwards, 35 is the age when you start reflecting on your life, thinking maybe you should get your shit together and start having kids.

8: You should have eight kids, like that TV show “Eight is Enough.”

9: I was 9 years old when that show first aired, and I would turn up the volume really loud to drown out the sound of our mother wandering through the house shouting about “lactose controlling our minds.”

793-2384: My phone number when I was 9.

6: The number of times we had to let the phone ring before our mother would allow us to pick up because she knew “the government” always hung up after 5.

2: Whenever we lost a TWO-th, our mother would keep a bedside vigil to safeguard us from the intrusions of the “thieving fairy-industrial complex.”

64: The number of times we had to keep watch while our mother knocked over a liquor store.

3: Total number of states our mother is wanted in.

3: How many times a lady our mother is, according to Lionel Ritchie.

83: Age our mother is in 2021, assuming she’s alive.

27: Number of publications words and letters were cut out of and pasted into the last letter we had from her in 2011.

9: Number of words in that letter, which read: “The ratio of a circle's circumference to its diameter.”

And that’s pi!