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August 28, 2021

Teen Squirrels

Sara Potocsny

Teenage squirrels everywhere are falling in love. Teen squirrels of a certain age are driving out to Manlius to hotbox their parked cars and get their backs blown out by other teen squirrels who have fallen irrevocably in love with them. It gets worse. Teen squirrels have always fallen in love, of course, but this year is different. Some are saying that as many as 93% of teenage squirrels in the greater Syracuse area alone are actively in love. And that is not counting teens of families living in more secluded areas. Teen squirrels are unlike teens of other species in that they’re always chomping at the bit (so to speak), have virtually no moral compass and actually like being outside. This is a threat. For years we have fallen under the spell of the squirrel. We have grown so accustomed to their ways studies show the average person today would prefer their neighbors be of squirrel decent than of human, ave, and religious combined. I have a teen squirrel living beneath my front porch. Parents don’t know what to do with him. At night I catch him sneaking out past curfew to high-tail it across the busy street and join a few other teen squirrels from the neighborhood in what I can only imagine is a malevolent and lusty romp to incite distress and feelings of romantic inadequacy in the lives of more typically-loving folk everywhere. We must not allow the teen squirrel to become the supreme lover among men. We must put an end to such reckless amorous abandon running rampant across our lawns, atop our telephone wires, and at times, in our very own attics. We must ask ourselves the difficult questions: are our children safe? Have you noticed any strange behavior lately? Are they jumping, running, and chasing things erratically? Have they decided, to your disbelief, to put down their devices, and ask for some time in the yard instead? Know the warning signs. No one is safe. Teen squirrel love knows no bounds.