Exteriors
Three sisters confront the slow, painful divorce litigations of the fourth sister. Without any use of wide shots, long shots, full shots, medium shots, close-ups, bird’s eye, establishing shots, POV shots, reaction shots, or shots of any kind (save the ginger schnapps the director would imbibe at the start of filming at the crack of dawn every morning for vitality, Skål!, and abstain from during the sadistic nightly drinking games he would tyrannically enforce on the cast), use of cutaways, cut-ins, jump cuts, cross-cutting, montage, dissolves, wipes, fades, or editing of any kind, lenses, film, microphones, or image or sound capturing devices of any kind, Allen Bergman Kafka Von Trier Cage-musha has once again succeeded in actualizing a bleak oppressive atmosphere of sheer existential dread and the silence of the Law.
The Red Fire Hydrant
The red fire hydrant has stood on a nondescript New Mexico desert plot for 84 years. Where was it built? What soul or souls placed it there? What untold happenstance, shenanigans, or poignancies have transpired throughout its lifespan? We’ll never know. Over 84 breathtaking hours, all we see is the decaying artefact in a practically unchanging arid landscape. This documentary might have been revelatory had the director picked a more event-prone setting. Or at least a fortuitous window. However, it seems absolutely nothing of significance transpires. Or... is that the point? Another metaphysical meditation on ambiguity, speculation, loss (at very least, lost time)—and BEING-NESS—from master Erol Apted! Runtime: 84 hours
My Dinner With Divinity
An old film director named Job has a long dinner conversation with an unfathomable entity—appearing as a film producer named Jehovah, a form the former can comprehend without his brain exploding to smithereens. Between the dessert and digestif, Job, a little tipsy, accuses Jehovah of making creation too painful and difficult for many of its sensitive, myopic creatures to bear. Jehovah: ‘Think it's so easy? Give it a shot. I'm on my 100 zillionth universe, and still can't come close... The 99th million still my favorite. Beginner's luck... Seriously. Here’s a starter kit. Your turn. Going to Disneyland Japan. Hear that place is wild. Good luck. Will check back in a few thousand eternities.’ After remarking that the salmon tartare was a poem, the surf a dream, but the turf overcooked, he disappears in a puff of smoke and peals of thunder, leaving Job with the ungodly bill, further reinforcing his position. S'might.
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* The Home Binge Office
