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I woke up early on Sunday with an enormous antler sprouted by each ear. I screamed, and I screamed, and I screamed until the mirror cracked in three. Then my husband woke up and started the coffee, but we’re not coffee drinkers. When our children woke up they had daisies growing from their ears and vines wrapping around their legs. But my husband—only his beard had grown—seven feet long and dragging along the floor. Three mice lived there eating saltines and cheddar. I kneeled to the ground and shooed them away with my antlers. It wasn’t enough. It’s never enough.