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I was pretty proud of the poster I made when my kid was the Turtle Room’s student of the week, but the next week Braden’s poster was twice the size of mine, and the week after that Kayleigh’s poster had flashing lights, and after that Cole’s poster had a Bluetooth speaker playing “Baby Shark,” and then Brynlee got a frontyardswag.com sign installation on the lawn by the parking lot, and then Channing’s parents brought in a 72” flatscreen that played a deepfake of Channing as Elsa while “Let it Go” played on a loop, and then Arya’s parents simply stood outside the Turtle Room all week wearing shirts that said “Arya’s Mommy” and “Arya’s Daddy,” and then Kyle just brought in an 8x10 photo of the billboard his parents put up at mile marker 204, so now I’m on the phone with Venture Outdoor Advertising but while I’m on hold let me ask you: do you know if they do Groupons or anything for giant blocks of marble?