I have a wicked sweet bed. I find it nuts that more people aren’t totally jealous of this amazing bed of mine.  Man, it’s so sweet. I shouldn’t even be telling you about it.

First of all, it’s red. Have you ever seen a bright red bed? Like a candy apple? Let me tell you something: sleep is no issue in a bright red bed. Even better than that, though… and don’t you dare tell anyone I’m telling you this… I named her Tiffany. My red hot bed named after the red hot ex-girlfriend from back when my bed was lame and you know, inside a house.

Shh. She’ll be so mad if she found out.

Is your bed a five-speed manual with a 120 horsepower, one point eight liter engine? Uh, no it’s not. This comfort of mine has an engine torque of 122 pounds per foot at 4,400 revolutions per minute. Sixteen valves allow the flow of all fluids that may be involved with this bed. Oh yeah. You heard me. The fluids are flowing in my bed—if you catch my Tokyo drift.

But for real… I’m serious. I have to be safe about it. You can’t be spreading this information around like a coat of wax on the rear end. (wink!) Ex Tiffany said I was “too obsessive.” Bed Tiffany is safe. She has a three-point rear center seatbelt, dual front impact airbags, and daytime running lights. Rack and pinion steering? The best rack and the hottest pinion. Melatonin and condoms in the glove box—I mean, the nightstand. I can’t afford my meds.

Other friends I’ve told have yelled at me. They’d say, “Which is it? Your bed or your ex-girlfriend?” and then they’d get fed up and scream, “It’s a car, man! You’re so sad!”

Yeah, they’re the sad ones. Can’t even keep a secret. “Some friends,” I’d say.

They would approach my bed in the Home Depot parking lot to pester me. “There’s help for you,” they’d tell me. But I’d just smile at them and cozy up to the cloth door panel trim and rub my toes against the full carpet floor covering.

I get it. Times are tough for everyone, you know? But honestly, I’m done with thinking about what other people think. People want to run their mouths. I’m too busy laying on the fully reclining front seat with cloth upholstery. Hoping to find that one person who loves me for me. My ex blocked me on like, everything.