because YOU could die in the shower, taken by surprise while you lather your waist-long, pitch-black hair. Squeeze the lavender-scented shampoo on the top of your head–you should cut your hair, so it doesn’t take this long to wash. Scrub your scalp–don’t forget to use the special scalp massager you bought. You don’t want buildup. Never face the water and, for fuck’s sake, never close your eyes. Rush, hurry, faster! Check the bathroom door–you’ve got way too many towels hanging from the rack. You’ve left the door cracked open to avoid filling the room with steam because that WILL make it hard to see anyone creeping in. Check the medicine cabinet mirror you’ve angled to see into the hallway. You’re good. Apply conditioner. Stop! Only condition the middle and tips of your hair. You definitely need a haircut. Get the face wash. The one with 2% salicylic acid. You need it today. Don’t forget to do the circular motions to get into the pores. Pause. Stand still to distinguish the noises of your upstairs neighbor pacing, marching, stomping in his apartment from the noises of a stranger, a strange man with a butcher knife, breaking down your front door and inching towards you in the shower. You’re in the clear. Wtf are you doing? NEVER close your eyes when you rinse your face! Grab your pink loofah (it’s unraveling and one more knot won’t help, you need a new one), your soap bar, and lather. Remember, go in circles for better blood circulation. Don’t drop the soap! You fucking dropped the soap. Don’t pick it up with your back to the door. Kick it around until it’s in front of you. Clean the bar of soap now covered in bathtub grime. Quickly! Check the door. Did you leave the hallway light on? Wait, is that a light or the sun coming in? Always BE listening for new noises. The clanking is the radiator. The creaking is the stairs. The slamming is the obnoxious sound of the building’s main door. Rush, hurry, faster! Soap the pits, the privates, las patas. Is there time to shave? Maybe one leg today, not above the knee though. Use the bar soap. Forget the fancy can of shaving cream building rust in the corner of the tub. Don’t let your waist-length, pitch-black hair cascade over your face. It’s not romantic, it’s a liability. Check the bathroom door–you’re still SAFE. Fight the temptation to close your eyes when you inhale the sweet, minty scent of eucalyptus wafting from the big ass bundle you bought at the farmer’s market. Wait, what is that sound? Is that the chair you placed in front of the door scraping against the wooden floors? Rinse now. Rush, hurry, faster! Turn off the water and get out of there!