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Define: rectangular pizza

Rectangular pizza is pizza in the shape of a 4 inch by 6-inch rectangle. This pizza is often undercooked, allowing you to taste the sugar in the tomato sauce slightly buried beneath the mozzarella spread like loose snow.

What eating rectangular pizza says about you

When you choose the rectangular pizza, it says to your classmates one or more of the following about you:

  • My parents are poor, and I get free lunch because they’re poor.
  • I haven’t mastered the basic life skills to make my own lunch because I expect my parents to teach me everything.
  • My parents gave me enough money for lunch, but not enough to eat normal food.
  • I had to scrounge for change in my living room because my parents are too proud to admit we’re poor.
  • My parents don’t care enough about me to make lunch, even though I’m old enough to make my own lunch.
  • My foster parents are using my per diem for something more fun.
  • I don’t care what you think of me. I enjoy eating wet cardboard with cheese and tomato sauce.

How to eat rectangular pizza

Follow these steps to eat rectangular pizza.




Choose a corner to start from.


Take a crescent moon-sized bite.


Close your eyes and chew. This allows you to focus on the frail plasticity of the cheese, the sweet aftertaste of the tomato sauce.


Take a sip of the chocolate milk that came with your rectangular pizza. Swish it around your mouth. Notice how it cancels out the bite you took.


Repeat steps 2-4 until you finish eating your rectangular pizza. 



Refer to the table below for FAQs regarding eating rectangular pizza



Why is this pizza world famous?

Everyone who has eaten a school lunch over the last 40 years has eaten a rectangular pizza. This rectangular pizza was the first thing Neil Armstrong ate when he came for our school dedication in 1971. “It’s out of this world,” he said (supposedly).

Can I eat this pizza with something other than chocolate milk?

Yes, but we wouldn’t recommend it. The chocolate milk enhances the experience. Trust us, we tried with other beverages.

What if I run out of chocolate milk while eating this pizza?

You can still eat the pizza, if you want to. It takes practice to ration out your chocolate milk just right.