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i’m reading a book about nuns / by which i mean sisters / by which i mean holy / by which i mean this morning the sky smelled of rain which is, i think, divine / my friends call you judas & debate if the two of you were fucking / but i still keep your bottle of ketchup in the fridge just in case / by which i mean loyalty, too, is sticky / like blood / or sweet, cheap wine / i met a girl at our bar & i think i’m in love / i met a boy at our bar & no this time, it’s forreal / i went to the cheesecake factory / drank two coronaritas on a wednesday / kissed an engineer who didn’t laugh at my jokes / watched a doctor carve a scar into my belly which makes my body a ghost, the old one i mean, unstained & reading next to you on the beach, a bracelet meaning best friends and forever tangled around my wrist / in april ants invaded my bathroom and i let them / (you know i’m not the killing kind) / i think they know how to play dead / bodies stunned against my terrible shadow / knees bruised from the asking / all spring i have waited / all spring i have been playing dead too / hey remember when the bartender chased after the door closed behind us / said you’re the life of this party / begged come back inside / fun with you had the devotion of a prayer & my dad is getting older & i’m still terrible at segues / i did crow pose in yoga / rode the bus to the end of the line / got too high / hoped you’d call / danced in the living room / pretended it wasn’t pathetic / it’s impossible to say this but somehow i survived / it’s impossible to say this but somehow i did it without you by my side.