Welcome to Three Crows Tattoo Parlor in Marshall, Minnesota, the heart of the American prairie, and my home for the past five years. Thanks for taking a gander at my talents, I hope I can turn your flesh into a masterpiece.
I’m Willy “Two Carton” Funkman, and I learned my trade at the feet of the masters – six-point-two years in federal prison, where Doc Dunker, F.F. Gilead, and Heck “The Hellion” Spinnaker took the younger, more manslaughtery version of myself under their wings and apprenticed the hell out of me. It became a mark of pride in our cellblock to have Heck hold you down while I learned my trade by doing it.
Practice makes perfect.
I’m now rehabilitated, married to a Godly woman, father to twins, and down to one pack a day. And I am not going back to prison.
At Three Crows Tattoo Parlor, I promise you will receive the highest quality care and artistry in every tattoo we create.
There is only one condition.
That tattoo must be of three crows.
Yes, three photo-realistic crows in a row, with their heads pointing in different directions.
Any size you’d like, anywhere on your body, I’ll tattoo three crows.
And only three crows.
Many have asked me before, “Willy, can you tattoo a skull and a rose on me?”
No, but I will tattoo three crows.
Some have asked, “How about ‘Mom’ or my wife’s name or the names of my children? Or the word ‘disturbed,’ or the symbol for ‘power’ in Chinese?”
Those are noble ideas, but you won’t get that from me. From me, you’ll get three crows.
Others have asked, “Can I have those crows fighting? Or in flight? Or combined with another scene, such as the devil in a NASCAR? Orin another style such as new school or Japanese?”
No, but I will tattoo three crows in a row with their heads pointing in different directions.
And I promise you it will be the highest quality tattoo of three crows you’ll ever see.
Then those same people ask, “Why the fuck will you only tattoo three crows?”
I think it’s important to understand that I consider myself a specialist, and I consider each of the three crows to represent a valuable lesson in my life, post-prison.
The first crow is a symbol of my awareness of my own mortality.
The second crow encompasses my desire to fly above and beyond this world when my human body releases my spirit into the next world.
The third crow is a spare.
I want you to look at your beautifully detailed and masterful three crows standing in a row with their heads pointing in different directions and think about how important these birds are to me, and can be to you, too, if you’ll embrace them and understand that they will help shape the way you present yourself to the world for the rest of your life – or until you’re really old and wrinkly and no one can tell what they are anymore anyway.
But I digress.
I am not going back to prison.
Some parents have come to me, grieving, asking if I could possibly tattoo their recently deceased baby onto their skin as a tribute.
No, but I’ll tattoo three crows in a row with their heads pointing in different directions.
In fact, don’t ask anyone to tattoo your dead baby on anything.
However, as a show of respect to these heartbroken parents, I will offer to tattoo three dead crows lying on their backs.
Ten bucks extra, I’ll add X’s for eyes.
One more time, that’s Three Crows Tattoo Parlor, where you will be guaranteed to receive the highest quality tattoo of three crows in a row with their heads pointing in different direction on the entire planet, bar none.
I am a specialist.
I do one thing and I do it well. I have practiced on my own skin countless times to perfect this design. I have a wall of photos of satisfied customers.
We are located in the basement of the abandoned arcade behind the Taco Bell.
I will accept cash or credit cards, but no checks.
I swear, I am not going back to prison.
I am not open on Sundays.