The Bacon of the Future
“The bacon of the future tastes better than the bacon of the past”
-Oscar Mayer advertisement
The Bacon of the Future is kosher. Don’t ask how, it just is. The Bacon of the Future drives a Subaru. The Bacon of the Future is so local, so grass-fed, it comes from a pig you didn’t even know you had living in your backyard. Oh yeah, in the Bacon of the Future’s future, you have a backyard too. You can pour the grease from the Bacon of the Future down the drain without alarming your landlord. You can also use it to water most houseplants. The bacon of the Future can help you afford a down payment. The bacon of the Future has negative calories, like celery. The Bacon of the Future is not AI-generated; AI is Bacon of the Future-generated. The Bacon of the Future knows why your wife is acting kind of distant today. The Bacon of the Future can defuse a toddler tantrum with Hurt Locker precision. The Bacon of the Future never gets tired of being a dad. The Bacon of the Future’s therapist asks The Bacon of the Future for advice. The Bacon of the Future will help you be able to look in the mirror. The Bacon of the Future is never your fault. The Bacon of the Future is coming. The Bacon of the Future is now.
Jewish American Dream #3: We’re Gonna Do This Fucker
I Google Joey Chestnut Jewish. He is not. But
he does hold the world record in matzah balls: 78
in eight minutes. He’s got pastrami, too: 25
Katz’s half sandwiches in 10 minutes. Don’t forget
corned beef, also his: 20 8 oz sandwiches in the time
it takes you to get the deli guy’s attention
at Corky and Lenny’s. This is the shit I usually read
before bed, before I sleep long enough for Joey
to eat 2,976 Nathan’s Famous hot dogs. I don’t
count sheep, I count sandwiches. Oh, Joey—
Jewish in appetite if not upbringing, scowling
after being told this year’s contest is cancelled,
then prowling Coney Island to find the foes
he must vanquish yet again. He simply refused
to let a year go by without celebrating this disgusting
country to excess in the most American possible way:
eating till bursting of that which immigrants created.
