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  1. I like to watch it,
    1. at some level, I know this is odd,
    2. and that women do not sound this way, or at least that I
    3. am failing, somehow to elicit the reaction I want. 
    4.  I wish love was easier to come by,
    5. and by love I mean sex.
    6. I wish that I met someone in the laundry room,
    7. or if I got an entry level pizza-delivery job, I had always
    8. thought that one thing would lead to another. But I
    9. do not do my own laundry. Nor do I WANT a
    10. pizza delivery-job.
    11. Too much work. Even
    12. in bed, though when I stick my hand down there,
    13. in her YOU-KNOW-WHAT,
    14. there is no excitement at all. Am I THAT BAD? Well.
    15. Someone told me to look it up once. To see if I can do better.
    16. Too much work. I suppose I
    17. will lay here, knowing what I want is too much   
    18. to ask for, and hoping that,
    19. one day,
    20. I, through no effort of my own,
    21. will hear from a human mouth
    22. what I hear in my headphones on
    23. lonely evenings. (Upsetting!)
  2. I like to watch it, ethically,
    1. because I am a thinking man,
    2. because I will share infographics about how important
    3. it is to RESPECT women, the way I do. I should like to present
    4. myself as the exemplar, and by the way I am also
    5. POLYAMOROUS, I think. Or at least I tell
    6. her this, so that it looks more normal when
    7. I ask for a THREESOME, and tell her to bring
    8. her best friend.
  3. I like to read it in a BOOK or on a WEBSITE,
    1. and spend my time wondering what went wrong.
    2. I would describe my first kiss as “squishy,” and my
    3. first time as “mostly painful.”
    4. I have sought romance at the club,
    5. and I have been SURPRISED by how much of
    6. “ “ R E A L   S E X ” ” has been more sweaty
    7. and odorous than anything else. Not
    8. ELECTRIFYING in the slightest. Not even
    9. fantasy remains to me
    10. in my loneliness. No more aching with
    11. lust. No more dreaming! Nothing in me has
    12. throbbed or quivered or moaned or screamed.
    13. My loins are quite still, quite cold, and I have
    14. a yeast infection.
  4. I like to receive it on my PHONE, as a text message,
    1. I achieved this because I am attractive, probably.
    2. Know that I am either very trustworthy, or not quite as trustworthy as you think.
    3. We may get married, or at least last quite a while.
    4. But that is not so likely. What is more likely is that I
    5. BAMBOOZLED you into sharing an intimate moment
    6. with me, Apple, and the Facebook Corporation.
  5. I like to receive it on my PHONE, as a Snapchat.
    1. My name is something like David. I have not one but two
    2. BASEBALL caps. I never had the COURAGE to
    3. learn to surf. I am twenty-four and still have this APP
    4. because I think NUDES, like the waves, should
    5. be ephemeral.
    6. Add me.
  6. I like to have prints of FILM PHOTOGRAPHS that I DEVELOPED MYSELF.
    1. I will ruin your life, but I will do so with
    2. panache. I have my own sourdough starter,
    3. and I will scrutinize your INTELLECT at home tonight
    4. with the photos I took of your BOOKSHELF while you showered. I would
    5. describe my life as “ Sisyphean ”and am In The Market for a
    6. PERSON to be a BALM to my SORROWS, which are
    7. plenty. I guess what I am saying is, well.
    8. Never mind.
    9. You probably wouldn’t get it.
  7. I never! consume pornography. No. Never. Not at all.
    1. Unlike the rest of you saddos, I live in the moment.
    2. I yearn for the old days,
    3. the good old days before the “media” and the “porn
    4. industrial complex.” I live off the grid, and
    5. attend yoga classes taught by white women. Nothing
    6. like seeing downward dog
    7. in real life. Ah, yes.
    8. That’s the stuff.  
  8. I literally EAT it
    1. please do not ask