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August 1, 2025

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Elena Zhang

You just won a $500 gift card to your childhood. You just won what your mother carries in her body. You just won. Just barely. Click now and claim your inheritance. This is your last chance. Someone may have stolen it already. Someone is waiting for you to die. Check the results here. Just enter your name, your social security number, the name of your first pet, the smell of your tenth birthday, the color of your unborn child’s eyes, your best friend’s phone number, the name of your second best friend’s third best friend, the number of times you’ve said “I love you,” and the last ten digits of pi. Final notice: your god is declined. Take action. You’ve been successfully unsubscribed. We’ll miss you. Funeral is on Monday.